Introducing The New iHole

Introducing the new iHole (aka: taking the 'smart' out of smartphone users).

I've seen many things on the net that had me baffled, as I'm sure you have too as well. "The human experience" has morphed into the Internet experience for the most part anyway, considering how being online consistently has become an integral part of our lives and heck, that's how we're letting it run our lives.

Funny thing is, some of us are fully conscious of that while others aren't - as exemplified by those who post things about themselves online that made them regret it or which landed them in hot soup as an aftermath. If you can't have the foresight or common sense to tell that what you are posting online will end up an attraction for unnecessary trouble, then that runs parallel with you not being conscious of the power of the Internet, of which privacy is just an illusion or fallacy.

Actually, that's a common mistake we all have the potential of forgetting sometimes, since it can be human nature to take for granted that which has become an integrated part of our daily living. We humans have been programmed with full of complacent bugs.

But you know what? In regards to this blog post's subject matter which highlights how some iFans have apparently been drilling holes into their new iPhones in an attempt to bring back the headphone jack, part of me refused to believe it. I mean, how could anyone be this dumb naive? You don't even need to be an expert techie to realise that that in itself, is an impossibility without perhaps some pro circuitry wizardry that will boggle the mind of a layman who knows next to nothing about hardware modding and such.

An open mind says that almost nothing is impossible when it comes to tech, but just drilling a hole and expecting it to power your earphones to blast music is akin to having sex and expecting a baby immediately right after. That was a really crude analogy, I know and I apologise for that, but it serves to accentuate the ludicrousness of it all. Sometimes, you just have to give a stupid reaction in response to a stupid question or subject matter.

For me personally, I prefer not having to deal with cords and cables, but if you know you will be inconvenienced by the lack of a headphone jack, then why give Apple your money by buying their new iPhone in the first place and then complain about it? That's what baffles me. Can people really be that oblivious to their own actual needs and wants and plonk down their wads of cash at the cashier without any thought?

The only explanation I can think of to explain this is that perhaps, some people buy the iPhone thinking that it will elate their social status by flashing it around to show off (how very 2010 stale). For such people, I have trouble mustering up the sympathy for them when they realise that their new flashy gadget actually inconveniences them by having a feature they've needed all along removed. They are just crippled show-offs that's all flash and no substance as far as I'm concerned.

And yes, Apple wants your money by you buying their new wireless Airpods. It's not that hard to put 2 and 2 together and see through the reality distortion field. Apple's abuse usage of the word "courage" to justify their removal of the headphone jack is just a gimmick that covers up the fact that it's all about their sales and money for their new Airpods as the denominator.

Again, I support tech going wireless, but their hypocrisy and treating their customers as naive cash cows easily swayed by some word-smithing simply stinks. I guess actually having the "courage" to be honest, upfront and transparent can be a tough call for some companies.

If you want me to part with my cash to buy something, just say so straight to my face and tell me the facts upfront instead of trying to serenade me with tired, flashy gimmicky wordplay; at least your transparency about it can still earn my grudging respect - and I'll salute you for not treating me as a gullible fool.

At the end of it all, despite the jokes made about sheepish iFans that bring into question their capacity for rational thinking (which I always try to take with grains of sodium chloride because my best friend loves his iDevices and he happens to be freaking intelligent), I will give the side of me that doubts the authenticity of this whole 'iHole' incident some breathing space. Why?

Because if it actually turns out to be true, then my hope for humanity will take a huge plunge towards the direction that gravity likes to go.

Apple's Airpod Tickles

Tampons in the ears

Original, unedited photo from Cnet

(I had to censor this photo like this because it is my policy to never embarrass any innocent individual by revealing their identity in my blog posts.

I can't speak for this guy of course, but if it was me posing for the pic, I personally would be embarrassed with those tampon-lookalike thingies in my ears.)

Trying hard to look ridiculous? You don't have to put in so much effort to achieve that nowadays, since it's 2016 afterall. Just get yourself a pair of Apple's new airpods and you're good to go.

How does it work? Well, just pop those suckers in your ears and have people around you wonder why you'd walk around with tampons stuck in your ears. Easy. Just don't mind them asking whether you're suffering some rare and new medical condition that causes you to menstruate from the ears. Watch them widen their eyes in awe as you tell them that those tampons have the capability to blast music. Neat.

I'm always looking forward to the Apple keynotes because the best thing about them is the inevitable humour that follows. You just have to put up with cringeworthy marketing bullshit like "it's magical!" done to death over and over again ad nauseam - akin to puking out fruit juice you drank, swallowing the puke and then puking it all out again to be reused onstage every single time. Don't rinse, don't wash, repeat.

Just keep hammering the same marketing one-trick-pony into their heads and they will eventually believe it and kachink, in rolls the cold hard ca$h, eh? Marketing is essential, yes, but discerning consumers ought to find too much of the same wordplay gimmicks to be a tiresome earache by now, cringe?

And there's this thinking that since the airpods are truly wireless (which is a feature I really like), one can lose them too easily. If I were to go off my nerdish rocker and get mean, I'd say:

"So apparently, Apple's new wireless AirPods are like tampons missing their strings. So I'm gonna look down at the ground more during the coming months, expecting to find dropped AirPods so that I can sell them to iFans so that they will lose them again, after which I can find them again and re$ell them back to the same iFans. Kachink. Sounds unapologetically lucrative."

But I won't say such a thing even though I just did. That's because I do not like dealing with pesky cables myself if I can help it.

While it may be true that you could lose the airpods easily because they are small and separate from each other without wires connecting them together, when it comes to safeguarding one's possessions without losing them, it all boils down to user responsibility and some prudent common sense. Hell, you even run the risk of losing your phone, your relationship with someone or anything else for that matter if you're careless and not mindful and sensitive enough. Such a thing comes down to the individual.

Compare using wired earphones while watching a movie in bed and you will value a truly wireless set when you toss around in bed. A crowded bus is also a good place to realize that, as yours truly have lost count of the number of times I've muttered curses under my breath whenever my wires got snagged on somebody's bag or whatever and watched my earphones go kaplunk onto the dirty floor.

Credit where credit is due

As much as I don't like Apple as a company because of their holier-than-thou arrogant attitude towards their own customers and their hypocrisy towards their competitors, along with their trigger-happy litigation fingers which to me as a fan of mobile tech, impedes the progress of the industry, I would be adopting the dreaded and myopic ostrich strategy if I were to ignore the actually beneficial implementations of Apple that truly benefit the consumer.

What Apple nailed right with the new Airpods is just how easy and hassle-free it is to pair them up with an iDevice, along with how the airpods can tell when you pull them out of your ears (just pulling one out will do), at which point they will automatically pause the music. Now these are nifty and useful features in my non-fiction book, I'll give Apple that.

So in conclusion, despite their fugliness, the airpods certainly have their usefulness. If you happen to buy them and you really really end up liking them, don't let anyone or anything including this blog post tell you differently. If you find them truly a joy to use, just enjoy them and I'll be happy for you, really..

..even though I still think you have tampons in your ears.