Relapse

I said the stupidest things today; as according to the replies I received that make me wish I could take back some of my words. But I won't even if I could. Stupidity may stem from sincerity sometimes. Sincerity is not meant to be kept anyway. It's meant to be given to someone. Stupidity can also actually be the result of honesty.

Sometimes, it's better to resort to stupidity and get that burden off your chest, even if it means running straight and hard into a wall and getting yourself hurt. Unspoken words that are left unsaid hurt even more in the long run. Regret for things left unsaid is a lifetime of torture for some unfortunate souls.

But I've hit the wall the last time I tried the same thing, after which I've managed to get over it somehow. It was tough. Not just tough but sonofabitch tough that tore me into pieces and caused me many sleepless nights. And yet, I chose to run into the same wall again. Perhaps I was hoping for a different outcome.

It didn't happen. A proverbial slap in the face by the same repeated situation again was what happened. This is a situation that will never change unless I turn my life upside down & topsy-turvy and turn it around 180 degrees.

I can't do that. That would hurt not just me alone.

Hope can make us do crazy things sometimes, despite the futility of how the situation may seem which you can see for yourself if you have the balls to face and acknowledge it. Even if you can't and choose denial instead, that little voice of conscience that everybody has will tug at you somehow.

Going back to the same battle you know you can never win, despite the denials and the rejections, is pure stupidity. Yet, we can be dumber than dumb sometimes. If you prefer a heavier word; suicidal.

Relapses can kill you all over again.

But sometimes, we really have to die more than once just so we can be reborn again if the first few lessons of the same topic fail to penetrate themselves through our hard-headed thick skulls. When we don't get it, it can hit harder the second time & increase in intensity and hurt for any further and stubborn subsequent times.

Everybody hurts. Lots of wounds are actually self-inflicted.

But just like a will, it's better to breathe your last on your death bed with the knowledge that the words meant for the intended recipient that matters have been finalized and communicated, despite the seemingly stupidity of the situation.

Stupidity may ridicule you but regret kills you.

With that, I think I can move on now. One more time. At least I've given myself a chance chances and tried my best. Can't go on hitting the same dead-end wall again and again ad nauseam.

I get it this time. I think I do.

I better do.


- De Lion Speaks