Sales Training & Getting Drunk

We had our selling skills sales training for the entire Sales Division and Marketing Department that lasted the entire day until 18:30pm today. It was actually supposed to last till 19:30pm originally. Even our GM David and Rahmat sat in for this one. The training was conducted by Bien Lazaro from the Philippines.

Training in progress

The training was quite interesting with moments interjected with humour and a bit of naughty talk which provided refreshing moments of relief for us in the Sales Division. Why? Because those of us in Sales are trained to run the field and so, having to spend an entire day sitting down in the office can be quite torturous for us, even though the training session was quite an interesting and informative one.

We had our lunch break at 12:30pm and tea break at 16:15pm, as well as a couple of pee breaks that Bien called 'Biological Breaks'. There was once when I needed a moment of relief to recharge myself and I just walked out; no hand needed to be raised and no permission required. Such is the rude privilege of a working adult.

Bien imparting to us the
the fine art of selling skills

I've been taking pictures for this blog entry in front of everyone and when I came back from my self-awarded break, I took another picture from the door the minute I came back in before going back to my seat. When Bien saw me standing there poised with my phone for the shot, he said: "Ah, another one for Facebook, huh?" So I replied: "Yeah, cheese!"

Also, before Bien went into his training proper at the beginning, we were asked to name ourselves after our favourite Hollywood star. I wanted to choose Bruce Willis because I love Die Hard but chose Keanu Reeves instead for a more recent touch of modernity. I found myself having to struggle a bit to actually think of a Hollywood star when I decided to drop Bruce Willis and that surprised me.

Funny thing about that was, Bien mentioned he would explain later why he wanted us to do that but by the end of it all, he didn't. Therefore, I can only deduce that either he has forgotten to do so or that was just a ploy to remember our 'names' easier; since we are nobody famous, it made it easier for him to remember famous monikers attached to us for ease of address. The clever man.

Squiggly worms

You can see my training notes I wrote by hand on the left. I know the handwriting is gawd awful and it look like worms squirming randomly but I didn't bother to write properly and just scribbled willy-nilly. Could have sworn my usual handwriting that slants towards the left looks much better; it looks like sober worms squirming towards the left.

During the training, Bien told us about his experiences dealing with countering the perceived malingering of sales reps (which included using gadgets like the iPad) as well as the counter-counter measures undertaken by sales reps to beat the system.

As he was mentioning all these, I felt the sudden urge to run up to him to shut him up since such things breed mistrust between sales managers and their reps and turn companies into mini Communist states.

While we were having a break, Lily, who has interacted with Bien before from way back, commented: "He did that because he is from an MNC." That made a lot of sense. I fucking detest the ways of MNCs in my industry here since they can be inefficient, counter-productive, political and just-for-show. When I have to say 'fucking detest' on something, it means I hate it to the core.

Over here, lots of folks and corporate organizations with bloated corporate heads often degenerate into impracticality, rigid regimentation and can't think out of the box. The bigger their heads are, the more these mentioned mis-qualities tend to apply. It's a corporate disease that seems to infect lots of companies that are growing and expanding.

The core of the whole shebang

Another highlight of the training session was that we broke up into 3 teams and challenged one another with repeated attempts of a card-arrangement game which was a memory game in essence with decreasing time limits with each subsequent round. My team won every round but it was due to the efforts of my team mates because I'm not very good with memory games if I can't take my time with them, since I need time to think about what I'm thinking.

By the time the clock hit 18:30pm, Bien ended the training session and before I left the room, I went up to him and thanked him with a handshake since I felt that overall, the training was quite a good and rather fun one, despite the inevitable dry theories here and there.

Bien's poor wife waited for him at our pantry the entire day and I heard she fell asleep on the couch for some time. Some of my fellow sales troopers joked that his wife was gonna give him hell for it that night.

Jace has a talent in posing herself

And with that, we followed David's lead and proceeded to Revzone Cafe in Yio Chu Kang, a stone's throw away from Serangoon stadium for beer and dinner. Really, Revzone ought to have been named 'Revzone KTV Pub' instead since I didn't see anything cafe about it.

We arrived in batches and Jaceyn, Angela and me made up the second batch that arrived at the scene. My colleagues like to sing, so that was the very first thing they started doing when they charged into the place. For me, I just sat around or walked around with a glass of beer in my hand taking on the role of club menace disturbing and poking fun at my colleagues, sometimes literally.

Inside Revzone

The beer glasses here are small and I missed the usual sizes of beer mugs. Jason and Luke got us dinner from some nearby coffeeshop and we were allowed to bring the food into the pub, er, I mean cafe or have them at the outside seating area. For me, I ordered sambal fried rice and it was yummylicious, much to the delightful orgasm of my tastebuds. Strange, however, was the fact that they didn't buy dinner for everyone of us. So I offered to share mine with anyone who looked at my food with yearning.

So I drank and drank and drank and toasted my colleagues till I lost count of the number of toasts we made. You know how it goes; when you find yourself losing count, you tend to also lose track in monitoring yourself about how much you are drinking and how much you can hold alcohol. But it was a Friday night, so who's counting.

First-person shooter view of a toast

As the night dragged on and the beer kept coming in torrents, I soon found myself walking funny while my head felt heavier and heavier.

Jace and me chatted at the outside seating area and she poured her heart out to me about things that trouble her. And for the very first time, my colleague-sister shedded tears and wept in front of me. My heart broke seeing her like that and I gave her a hug to comfort her.

Don't you worry sister, shit happens but they don't last forever. You may be in shit but as long as you keep your head above shit-level, you will survive. I'll help you hold your head up.

As the night progressed even further, the heaviness of my head increased in magnitude and so did the vertigo associated with it. By then, only Zell, David, Jace & me were left. Soon, I found myself ending up slumped on the couch at a corner of the pub.

Zell can pop the caps off
beer bottles with his teeth

When you are in a pub and your head feels like somebody has smashed it repeatedly against the wall, crashing yourself on a couch is a bad idea. Bad idea because when you are slumped on a comfy couch under such a condition, you tend to close your eyes. And when you close your eyes, that headache and vertigo can take a mighty swing to levels you might not be able to reign in.

And then I did something that I hated myself for because that something was the breaking of 2 promises I made to myself to never ever do again, especially in a public drinking place. I lost control of my headache and vertigo and had to quickly turn to my left facing away from the crowd, looked for the little space between the couch I'm on and the couch next to it and I started puking while aiming into that little gap of space. My whole being was enveloped in agony from head to quivering toes.

Promise number 1 broken. I underestimated the retching force of the torrent of my poison since I spilled over to the neighbouring couch. Gawd, I felt terrible. I was puking my guts out. Just when I thought I've finished and got it over with, another unstoppable wave came. And another and another. If tsunamis came like that, there would be no chances for survival.

When you start puking your guts out like that, that's when you know you have become pissed-ass DRUNK. Promise number 2 broken. Fuck me.

The realization that you have broken a promise you've made to yourself is absolutely one of the worst feelings for a human being, much less two promises. I fucking hate myself for it. It's not gonna kill me but it's gonna bug me for as long as I remember what I just did to myself. And again, a big fat FUCK to that.

Halfway through my SNAFU, Zell came to me and started massaging my shoulders while he was trying to talk me out of my stupor and I think Jace came over with a plastic bag. I couldn't tell if it was her even though I looked right into the face. That was how gone I was. I raised my right hand and signaled that 'leave me the fuck alone' gesture and so, they left me alone.

After I've puked, I gained back just a tad of strength and forced myself to get up and I stumbled to the basin outside the washrooms and washed myself up, cleaning myself of all the filth. I was embarrassed and freaking ass pissed with myself. And when I say 'pissed' here, I mean PISSED.

And since I was embarrassed, I made a quick decision on the spot the minute I finished cleaning myself up - I stumbled back to my seat, grabbed my work bag and without even looking at my colleagues and without uttering a single word, I left the place in a hurry as they were trying to speak with me. I just ignored everything and everyone and walked out.

Fuck it, I'll save the explanation I owe them till when I see them next. I was worried that If I tried to reply them while I was feeling all weak and fucked up, I might just collapse on our table or end up not being able to hold it in and puke right into their faces since I felt that there was still poison left inside me.

And I was right because I puked again outside after crossing over to the opposite side of the road. I had to cross over since no empty cabs passed the side I was initially at after I've waited for some time. And when I saw the empty cab heading my way, I forced myself to stand without swaying so that the cabbie would not be scared into not taking me.

The ride home inside the cab was pure agony because the cabbie seemed to be driving too fast (which reason I attribute to him being a discerning man) and he seemed to rush over humps. So it was hell for me trying to hold in my poison throughout the journey and that caused my head to go beyond suffering a spinning headache to near explosion. I was tempted several times to ask the cabbie to stop his car and just let me get out to throw up by the side of the road. I didn't. I endured all the way.

When I got home, I no longer had the strength to shower and just stripped in the kitchen, dumped my clothes in the basket meant for clothes to be washed, donned on my shorts with what was left of my strength and crashed on my couch in the hall where I fell into a deep sleep as though I was dead.

Never again. Never again will I drink till I puke and never again will I drink till I get drunk, it's stupid. This may be the second time I promise myself again but I'll forgive myself this time for having fallen and get up again.

Die Harder.


- De Lion Speaks